You are my pleasure, you are my pain
by xxxPenny
Summary: If I told you that I was in love, your immediate thought would probably be something like; 'you're so lucky' or 'I'm so jealous'. Trust me, that is not the case for me. This isn't a fluffy lovestory about how I told my loved one how I felt and we lived happily ever after. This is the story of how I fell in love and about how much pain it has brought me. Will be rated M later
1. Prologue

**Author's note/: **Hi guys! It's been a while, I know! Sorry.

This is just a thing I'm trying out, don't know where it'll take me. I just wrote this on a whim and felt like uploading it to see if it's something you'd like to read.

**Please **leave a comment to let me know if this is something you'd be interested in reading!

**P.S: **I will do my very best to make this fic something else, it will be dark, raw and painful, but also, beautiful and romantic.

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**You are my pleasure, you are my pain.**

** - Prologue -**

If I told you that I was in love, your immediate thought would probably be something like; '_you're so lucky' _or '_I'm so jealous'_. You'd probably describe me with words like: happy, glowing and, yeah, lucky. Well, I can tell you that it's not the case. Rest assured, I'm not one of those girls that jump around like a lovesick child and write the name of my beloved on papers and walls. I don't daydream about our future together and I most definitely do not feel like walking on pink clouds he walks in the room. No. I'm the unlucky type, the one that is forgotten and not even considered. When I see him all I feel is pain and regret. I know what you're thinking, _'How do you know you love him? That doesn't sound like love to me!' _Trust me. I'm in love. Painfully much so. You see the guy I'm in love with, he doesn't have a clue and, this is where it gets really tragic, he is in love with another girl, his girlfriend. Yup, that's my love life. The one that was too late. To scared. Too damn stupid. I'm sorry. I'm usually not the kind of person to bother people with my problems, ok I am, but not problems like this.

My name is Lucy Heartfilia and this basically the story of how I fell in love and how I was too scared to tell him how I felt.

You might ask: why don't you just tell him then?

I already told you. He has a girlfriend.

I'll tell you the whole story; just let me make a few things clear before I go on.

One - I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me.

Two - I know I've made stupid decisions, but I don't want you to judge me. As cliché as it sounds: people do crazy things when they're in love.

Oh, you want to know his name?

Natsu Dragneel.

**End of Prologue**

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Leave a comment or PM me if you'd like :D

Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 1

**Autor's note /: **Hey again!

This is the first chapter, and it's not really all that exciting. It's Lucy's diary, and she talks franticly about her expirience of love. Not all the chapters will be like this, the next one will have a "normal" perspective.

Hope you'll enjoy this one and keep reading!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the plot line.

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**You are my pleasure, you are my pain**

**Chapter 1**

Dear Diary

Let me explain what really happened. From the beginning. Or, I think this was the beginning. For me, it all started the day we came back from Edolas. Well not like I fell in love the second we landed, but that's where it kind of began. You see, Lisanna, Mirajane and Elfman's little sister, who you remember had been supposedly dead for two years, had really just been taken to Edolas somehow. You know the details. I'm not going to say that I wasn't happy that she came back. I really was! I love Mira and Elfman so much and it was so beautiful seeing them reunite whit their sister. But. Having Lisanna back, kind of changed things for me. You remember I told you about Natsu having a girlfriend, well, that's Lisanna.

Let me just tell you some things about Lisanna. Lisanna Strauss to be correct.

Lisanna is the kind of girl every girl wants to be, and the kind every guy wants to be with. And I'm fine with that. I like Lisanna. No, I do! You don't believe me? I understand. But I actually really like her.

Lisanna is beautiful. Outside and inside. She's kind, good, funny and caring about everyone. Her smile honestly lights up a room and her laugh is so cute that you can't help but laugh with her.

She has gorgeous eyes and her figure is to die for. But the thing that baffles me the most is her hair. I never really liked short hair on girls, don't know why. But Lisanna makes it work so well! She would probably be pretty no matter what, but that tomboy look really suits her and it kind of annoys me. I do like Lisanna.

But as a girl, if I say that I like a girl so much that I start to hate her a little, you'd understand, right? It's not like I'm jealous or secretly wished that I was Lisanna, but sometimes it makes me feel sad about myself when I see her just doing normal stuff and still do it perfectly. Because that's the thing, everything she does is perfect. That's why I wouldn't want to be her. I could never pull of perfection. Which again, annoys me.

But enough about Lisanna, I just need you to remember that I like her, I don't blame her for anything and I surely am not jealous. Except from the fact that she's Natsu's girlfriend.

Yeah, Natsu. That's where all my problems lead back. To that fiery bastard of a dragon. I can't even.. sorry. If you ask me _why_ I love him you're wasting your time. I don't know why, I could go on and on for hours talking about his smile, his laughter, all the sweet and sometimes stupid things he says or does, but that isn't really what made me fall in love. It had something to do with it, yes.

But the reason, and I think this is the reason that everybody falls in love, it's the way me makes me feel. How my stomach twists inside me every time he smiles or even looks at me. How his eyes can make me forget about my surroundings and just stare mindlessly at him. I'm positive, he could make me do just about anything just by asking and looking me in the eye. And I don't like that he has that kind of power over me, I hate to be told what to do and I hate it even more when I don't mind doing it!

Natsu Dragneel. The boy who filled my heart with so much happiness and love, just to break it. I'm not mad at him. He hasn't _really_ done anything wrong. It's just me. It's really all my fault, but it's not like it's my fault either, you know. I didn't fall in love on purpose. I fell in love when I saw Lisanna and Natsu hanging out, being close, laughing and doing missions together. Worst thinkable moment. I didn't even realize that I could possibly feel something other than friendship towards that guy, but seeing him with someone else, someone I know he has kind of a history with. It cracked me. It made me see how much I care about him. It made me look from the outside, me watching Natsu and Lisanna was like watching him with me, they did all the things we used to do and that's when I opened my eyes to how great he is!

I always knew he was great. He's caring, protective, really funny and extremely stupid. I don't know the exact moment I fell in love, but it was so sudden and so unexpected that I didn't even notice it at first. I walked around with this stone in my gut and honestly thought I was constipated. In some sense I was constipated. I can't get the love I feel out of me, I have to hold it in and endure seeing him happy without me. Bad example, but you get it.

Every single time I see him now all I want to do is walk up to him, grab his scarf and kiss him so hard that he forgets about Lisanna. I want to kiss him so my love transmits to him and he gets this sudden realization that it was me he was supposed to be with from the start.

I go crazy thinking about him. I want to lay naked in my bed next to him and feel his body so close to mine that I feel like we're just one person. One being. I want to touch him and kiss him for hours, even days and never let him go. I want to feel him grab me and push me around to get what he wants, and all he wants is me.

It sounds like it's just about the sex. It's not. You have a dirty mind, don't you? I just want to have this natural and raw relationship with him, I want him to be himself completely and give in to all of his instinct all the time because he knows that I will stand by his side. That could be anything from a mission, a fight, a party or sex. I want him to know that I am the one for him, the only one he'll ever need, the one he can always trust. I love him so much and it kills me! I don't know what to do or who to talk to about this. I can see that he's happy with Lisanna, I really do. But, if I can say this and not come across like a maniac: It's me he's supposed to be with! It's me who understands him the best. I can feel it in my heart he would be happier with me.

Ok, I need a break from the crazy. I know I sound like a crazy stalker, but I'm not. I'm just really, _really _in love. Haven't you ever felt like that? You know that you and this one person are meant to be, you just know it, but this other person doesn't see it and you can't just go up to him or her and say: 'no, you have to be with me.' You have to play this game to get them to notice you and think of you in a different light, and that's _not_ easy! One wrong step and _BAM, _friendzone.

I've made bad decisions along the way of my love for Natsu. A lot of them. I don't know why I did some of the things that I did, but all I can do is regret it and hope that it gave me a lesson. I'll start from just about the beginning and tell you all about my tragic path of love.

**End of chapter 1**

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_**Thank you for your time! 3**_

_P.s: I didnt really reread this, so there might be errors in the text, please excuse me!_


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's note/:** Second chapter is out! It's short thoguh.. I will write longer chapters in the future, but this is it for now. Hope you like it and that you will keep being patient with me on this fic.

Please feel free to review or PM me if there's something on your mind.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the plot line.

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**You are my pleasure, you are my pain**

**Chapter 2 -**

I am at the guild early this morning. Not cause I like getting up early, but cause there is something that has been keeping me up all night, something that just keeps making me smile. I know MiraJane is almost always the first to be in the guild every morning, unless Cana has spent the night on the floor or in the bathroom. So this morning I am here to see Mira, I don't have to speak to her, just see her while she's working and doing her usual morning routine. It's just that this particular morning something is different, and that's why I am here.

Her light morning humming sounds happier and clearer than I have ever heard and her smile shines even brighter. The reason is because right next to her, with a broom in her hands sweeping tactfully over the wooden floor with a humming voice almost as cheerful as Mira's, is Lisanna. Lisanna Strauss. It has only been hours since we returned from Edolas and brought Lisanna with us. Only hours since Elfman and Mira could embrace their sister and finally breathe again. I am glad I came this morning. Seeing Mira this way makes me happy and calm and I hope that someday I will have the same effect on someone as Lisanna has on Mira. Neither of them has seen me yet and I haven't made a sound since I sat down. I look at them and suddenly whished that I had a sister, I am allowed to dream, right? When Mira lifts her head up from the glass she is swirling around in a white cloth she spots me and smiles widely.

"Lucy, I didn't see you there! You're up early, going on a mission with the rest of the team?"  
I raise myself up from my seat and walks over to the bar while telling her that I am just up early to see the beautiful morning. Besides, there is no way I would ever get the rest of team Natsu up at this hour. Not even Erza would wake before the sun unless it was absolutely necessary, or free strawberry cake. Lisanna smiles at me while I explain my current team-situation, and I am surprised at how her smile makes me smile back so naturally. Lisanna asks me a lot of questions and explains that she is so curious of me, she tells me all about Edo-Lucy and how amazingly different we are. She says it's like worlds apart, and I have to remind her that it actually is. I see a hint of sadness in her eyes when she tells me about Edo-Mira-nee and Edo-Elf-niichan and I can see Mira bowing her head as well. It must be a weird yet great feeling for all of them. Lisanna asks me how I came to join Fairy Tail and where I live, how many missions I've been to and if I've fallen for any guys at the guild. I respectfully laugh at her last question and shake my head quickly.

"So Natsu is the one that introduced you? You're lucky you met him then."

I laugh again and smile.

"I guess you're right."

"I used to dream about marrying him you know, when we were kids and cared for Happy's egg, ah that was a great time!" She rests her cheeks in her palms and sways from side to side with a dreamy look.  
To think that Natsu used to have a girl.

As Lisanna tells me more about her time in Edolas and her life before that, Magnolia seems to wake up with the speed of the sun rising up from behind the hills. Sleepy mages walk through the door and form a line in front of Mira all demanding their cup of steamy black coffee before stumbling over to the nearest chair or to the request board to see if today holds any new adventures. I am watching it all, the morning routine of everyone in Fairy Tail. Lisanna rushes back and forth between helping Mira and talking to me, she's even out on the floor to pick up empty cups or refill for those who need the extra spike. I am amazed that you can look this alive at this time and smile to the world without a single complaint. Ok so she's probably happy that she's back, but still, I for example look like hell, I was barely able to drag my sleepy butt over here and my eyes is the only clue you need to know that I have not had enough sleep. It's like Lisanna can read my mind, just as I think about how tired I actually am she fills up a cup of coffee and places it in front of me with that white smile still planted on her face.  
" It's on the house," she says.

I wonder if anyone has told her how broke I am these days. Speaking of, I need to sign up for a mission, where is Natsu and that flying baka-neko? I look around but I figure it's too early for him to be up. Wrong. I haven't even gotten to enjoy my free coffee before I feel the warm breath of a dragon on my neck.  
"Lucy! You're up early for once. Good! We need to do a mission today, I have run out of food money."  
"I know how you feel," I say before taking a zip and burning my tongue.  
"Shit." That really hurt.  
"Come over here Luce! I've got the perfect mission!"

How did he get over to the board that quickly? Is he abnormally hyped today or am I just really, _really_ tired?

I saunter over with my hands closed tightly around the warm cup and yawn loudly when I reach his side.

"Let me see," I snatch the request out of Natsu's hand and read it quickly before my eyes catches the reward at the bottom written in big red letters.

"1 million jewels? Why are we still here, let's get going!"

I vaguely hear a combined laugh by Natsu and Lisanna before pushing him in front of me out the door with a giggling Happy flying next to us.

"Have fun!" Lisanna waves

**End of chapter two**


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